I have been graced many battles this year. In little everyday doses they came and went. Nothing to make me cry while facing an enemy at gunpoint just the little deaths you survive after taking one too many drinks or caffeine to keep your eyes open. I have allowed my body to survive constant wearing; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I did not look my best this year but I wore different kinds of pain and there is nothing I could be more proud of than that. This is how I have become; eyes spent from the sleep it always waited for, lungs grasped for another measure of air, inches of hair both cut off and grown, skin cooled and burned, a face with a million more blemish, the heart was always covered in cold sweat, a belly bloated with weird intervals of an eating habit, a mouth always in a half circle almost confused between speaking and whistling, and a mind, always bothered by the idea of having another body too far or too close.
I met people this year that did not take a long time for me to be able to hold their hand and ask them to stay a while. Not having to put too much did not mean that I was not making an effort. That luckily these people were as invested in the relationship as I was. These people I feel, I would keep for a long time. As long as they stay. Also I met people that I wish could have stayed longer but had they not left I would have not found myself to be where I am. So here’s to the people who were beautiful that I thought they would never leave.
I wanted to go elsewhere as If it was the only place I could start. And this year just tugged and pulled me back to where I have always known my body to be in. I learned to respect my body’s determination to leave but I also learned that it will when it can.
One of the things I would always be thankful for this year is the chance of having to live on my own. There is a different kind of solitude that no words here can fill. I have come to know myself better now. Of things I would do and would not do, say or would not say, I dare not lie to myself. In this space I have carved for myself, I continued to pursue the passions that deny me negativity. I have learned to harvest that which is found in the everyday, everywhere. For this reason, I am always home. Though being in this new home made me realize the importance of the word home. That being away from where I used to rest my body every night I learned of home– that it was not just a place anymore but also meant the people you would always hold close to you. To the people I have been living my battles with, Salamat. To love and light!
So with everything in between I can say that in a merciful manner, I have managed to breathe and keep this little space for myself without the cost of having to take one’s own, and that maybe I may have done little but that it was good.